Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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