Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
