my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
