don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
