who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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