I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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