I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
