In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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