I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
