is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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