using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
