When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
