I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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