My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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