We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
