Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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