Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
