Just took my morning after pill in the library
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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