Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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