i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
