I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
