Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
