Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
