I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
