I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
