I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
