I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I have feelings that need drinking.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
