Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
