I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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