I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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