i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
