I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
