Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
