the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
