Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
