so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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