Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
