I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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