Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
