I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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