9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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