Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
