I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
