His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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