hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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