Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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