you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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