I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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