She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I want her autograph on my taint
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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