Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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