??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
