We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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