is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
When are your genitals available?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
