Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
