did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
