I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
