the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
