He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
