so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
