Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
