I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
